What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize