dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
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