there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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