So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
