Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
