Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize