This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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