Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
