Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
