Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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