the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
