Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
