You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm like, not good at living.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
