dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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