Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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