my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
