3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
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