last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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