And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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