just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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