I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
What a dumb baby whore.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Randomize
