just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
