my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I'm passing your future prison.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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