yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
