There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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