Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize