I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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