i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
