my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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