I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
