Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
