Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
