i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
