seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
