Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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