I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
