i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
After last night, I could never be a politician.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Randomize
