shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
