apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
