im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
