Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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