I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
