I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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