i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize