Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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