Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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