everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
