I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize