New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I know her cup size but not her name....
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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