Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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