i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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