Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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