Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
