Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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