Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
