I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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