Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
