Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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