The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
