He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I'm really busy with my period
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