Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My pussy is not your playground.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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