just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
