I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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