Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
